"I know," I answer.
"And what did the Grunt in Green say when you told him?"
I stare at the place mat, there's sauce on it. "He hasn't pushed me one way or the other, just reminded me its a lifestyle choice not a job." The night before it hit me; I've applied to the Australian Defence Force.
Cue panic attack.
What if I don't get in?
What if I do?
Grunt in Green made me calm down slightly, but he didn't help me make up my mind that it was a good idea. That's going to be up to me, my responsibility, completely. I could talk my way out of it, I haven't signed anything. But then what?
No matter what I need to go to the interview, take the aptitude test and listen to what they suggest. If I flake out now I'll never know what could've been.
Let the challenge begin.
Wait. I have to take a mandatory blood test? With a needle? *gulp* I'm feeling very faint right now.
"I get that you're bored, but four years is a long time and you could get bored very quickly in the army." Mum adds. "You could be there one week and think 'this isn't for me'."
Mum knows me too well.
"It will be full on, all the time. The camaraderie is good but you are not a people person. I know you, you need alone time and you won't get that in the army. And look at the Grunt and his mates; they don't interact well with the rest of the population."
"But I can't not try, mum." I'm annoyed that I have to defend my choice and at the same time grateful she is asking the questions that have been racing through my head.
I asked the Grunt in Green; is it worth it? Losing your independence and freedom? Is the trade off worth it?
He answered; I'm still an individual and still free and yes it's worth it.