I didn’t start liking him because he wasn’t available and so would never be the one to raise my expectations and then destroy them. Liking someone you know is unattainable just so you can protect your heart, I understand the concept, but it wasn’t the situation here. I liked him when there was a possibility of something more. Then he went strange on me.
Things would be easier if I could switch off my emotions and just focus everything else on writing and training and getting out of this town. For a while I had been successful, even with Rodger and The Grunt in Green I was able to maintain a sort of emotional distance. It hurt when both gave up, but I knew those were time sensitive “relationships” and they would never be around long. This time, this guy, it feels different; and I hate it.
I don’t like being vulnerable and I hate being this emotional, whiny idiot. Where is the normal April who would not care and just say “hey, I’m attracted to you, do you want to go out with me this Saturday?” and then leave it in their court and if they didn’t like me then so be it?
I am scared. I am so afraid of coming on too strong, being annoying or getting it wrong and he turns around and says “no, I’m with someone” or “I don’t feel the same”. I am so petrified I don’t know what to do.
Things would be easier if I could redirect my feelings to someone who was interested and was asking me out. Yet I cannot say “yes” to him, only “friends”. I cannot like him in the same regard and I’m sorry for that and I hope that he finds a woman can do that for him.
My emotions are caught up elsewhere with no hope of being returned because I am chicken-shit and unable to formulate the words to tell him. It might be for the best; if I do get into the army then we would only have months before I would have to leave and there would be no possibility of being posted back to my home town and we all know how those sorts of long distance relationships fair. Which sucks.